Free Music Lessons!
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," pleased to be of assistance in your spiritual needs! Our operators are standing by to take your call.
Let's hear it for democracy! Today you get to vote.
All in favor of reading another tired rant about another tired Rick Santorum rant against gay marriage, signify by saying AYE.
All in favor of learning how to make a loud and obnoxious noise with a blade of grass, signify by saying AYE.
Grass it is!
Last night when my daughter The Heir was tucking into her first foray with the musical saw, I decided to accompany her on the only more weird-sounding wacky instrument available: a blade of grass.
Do you know how to do this? I'll bet my Appalachian readers do. Don't know about you fun people in Texas. Maybe you don't have the right kind of grass down there.
I'm positive that any UK reader will have the right kind of grass. Because all of our current lawn grass originally comes from the UK.
What you'll need:
1. A blade of lawn grass about a quarter inch wide and at least five inches long. (If you don't have any that size right now, don't mow your lawn for a few weeks.)
2. Your hands.
1. Place the grass between your thumbs so that the edge of the grass faces you.
2. Curl your other fingers together like you'll be playing "this is the church, this is the steeple."
3. Put your thumbs firmly against your lips and blow hard.
Ideally you should make a sound that resembles the caw of an angry crow or the screech of a horny cat.
If it goes SQUAWWWWWWWWKKKKKKK! You've done it right.
If it sounds like a fart, try again. You've got it in principle, if not in practice.
Now add the protests of an under-medicated macaw. Voila! An evening at Chateau Johnson!
My neighbors didn't call the police last night, but they did circulate a petition. It was stuck in the windshield wiper of my car this morning. But poo poo to them! It's a free country. They should broaden their musical horizons a little bit.
If you would like personal tutelage in the production of sound using lawn grass, please contact me through my email.