Sunday, May 18, 2008

Another One Bites the Crust

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" When the going gets overwhelming, the overwhelmed rush to the computer to blog! Dirty house? Why clean it? Just gonna get dirty again.

I have a darling little nephew-in-law with blonde hair and dimples to die for. He likes Star Wars and computer games. He has a dog named Sport and a cat named Queenie. He lives in Baltimore.

Today he is receiving his first holy communion from the Roman Catholic Church. Mr. Johnson and I were reminded to send a card, but we weren't invited to the festivities. Which is just as well, because I'm not gonna let my niece and nephew grow into adulthood without at least being given a teaspoon of the Big, Broad, Flexible Outlook. And Mr. Johnson's family knows it.

Part of first communion is going to confession for the first time. Mr. Johnson is a lapsed Catholic, and he remembers that when his first communion came, he thought up a lot of lies and just let 'em rip.

But my little nephew-in-law has too good of a heart to do that. Once when his stupid-ass school was having yet another fundraiser, he emptied his piggybank and, unbeknownst to his struggling parents, took the money and gave it to the school principal. (I think he was in kindergarten at the time.) To her credit, the principal called Nephew's mom and returned the dough. I guess that's one less stitch that Pope Rat got in his royal robe.

Oh, my heart is heavy, thinking of that poor little sweet boy, ushered into some dark box with some big old man on the other side of a grate, waiting to hear about bad things! I wanna go save him! Let me go in the box instead!

Anne: Don't bother blessing me, father, because my sins are my business. I've never confessed before, and I don't plan to again.

Father X: You will go to hell.

Anne: You know who's really gonna go to hell? Creepy priests who expect seven-year-olds to have sins to report! What could my nephew have done? He even cleans the cat box! Lissen, padre. You leave my nephew alone. If you cause even one dimple to lose its pop on that kid, I'm gonna enroll him in De Molay and pay his dues and take him to meetings!

Father X: Are you threatening to indoctrinate a good Catholic boy with occult Masonic ideas?

Anne: Why stop there? I think he'd make a great Druid. And the Masons would still take him, so we're good to go.

Whew. I feel so much better now. If you can't act out in real time, the computer is the next best thing.

4 comments:

yellowdog granny said...

back when i was a kid and was a catholic i lived on a small air force base and there was only one priest and he is the one that gave me my catacism(sp)..and with my voice there was never any doubt as to who was confessing on the other side of that screen...i would try to disguise my voice and he would say..'i know it's you varmit'...and he got mad at me once cause i had just seen the king and i and kept sayin 'i used bad language, etc. etc. etc.'..

Anonymous said...

Kayak says:
Don't worry Anne, I got over being catholic. Way over.

Angela-Eloise said...

I just got this: another one bites the crust. HAHAHAHAHA!

sageweb said...

I use to make up lies to go to confession, and then the next confession I would tell them I lied at the last confession, and then tell him more lies, it was a never ending cycle.