Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Gods and Goddesses are Great! Hallelujia!
Worship as you please, just don't stain my furniture.
I've been working and working on an essay for The Smart Set, an online magazine. When the story runs, I'll link ya to it. It's about my latest lucrative (not) line of work ... water tasting.
I attended a water tasting competition in Berkeley Springs two weekends ago. I was a judge. In the space of six hours, I ranked 71 different kinds of water in four categories. At the end, one of my fellow judges and I realized we probably drank about 82 ounces of water in that time.
So, does all water taste alike? Well, if you've had 71 tastes in 6 hours, it does all start to taste the same. I imagine 71 orgasms in 6 hours would all start to feel the same. But hey, I'd try it anyway!
On Sunday night, as part of preparation for the story, I staged a mini-water tasting at home. I chose five types of water:
1. Berkeley Springs from the spring head
2. Tap water that runs from that stupid little spout on the refrigerator door
3. Water fountain water from the Vo-Tech
I used the ranking sheet from the official water tasting competition. My daughter The Spare helpfully brought me each different water in an identical glass, one at a time. It was a blind taste test. The last water she brought out was the best by a long shot.
Here is how the waters ranked at the end of the tasting, from worst to best:
5. Vo-Tech water fountain
4. Tap water from the stupid spout on the fridge
3. Berkeley Springs
Honest, I didn't cheat!
Now here's the amazing thing. Without looking, and before The Spare told me which entry was which, I correctly identified the source of three out of five samples. The only ones I got mixed up were Dasani and Fiji.
If you can do the math, go ahead. But I know that way beats the odds.
One note: Berkeley Springs water might not rank at the top taste-wise, but it is super for the digestion. Kind of like a Metamucil that isn't disgusting. So drink it to your health, just like George Washington did throughout his life!
The moral of this sermon: Before you plunk down $1.49 for that nine-ounce bottle of Fiji Water that leaves a carbon footprint the size of a Brontosaurus, grab a Dasani. It's the Wonder Bread of bottled waters, the product of scientific wizardry, and it was probably bottled not far from where you live.
As always, this sound advice offered free of charge.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS