Friday, March 21, 2008

Guess I'll Never Stray Far from Home


Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Please pass Go and collect $200! Just not from me. I might be able to spot you a dollar, if you promise to pay me back.

Do you own a passport? I'll bet if you do, today you're wondering who's been looking at it, tampering with it, or otherwise snooping around inside its (supposedly) secure cover.

I don't own a passport. I've gone so far as to have the photo shot, but I'm a terrific procrastinator, so I've never sealed the deal. Ditto for my daughters, The Heir and The Spare. Kind of sad to think they've never left America's borders. But damn, America's got big borders. There's plenty to see here.

When I write my drivel for this web log, I fully expect that all kinds of people will show up, snoop around, make judgments, gossip about me. But who cares? I'm aware of your eyes, reader.

But the thought that some "contract employee" could eyeball my passport, if I had one, is distasteful.

Let's make sure we all know what "contract employees" are. These are people who work inside the government for outside companies. The government saves money on contract employees because contract employees don't get government benefits, which are some of the best around.

I was just conferring with Mr. Johnson about this. If it's so easy for any day laborer to access private passport files, who's to say that those files can't be cooked to make it look like you've been dealing drugs out of Paraguay?

Here's another question. Is the IRS also using contract employees? Excuse me, Fearless Leader, you can call me a godless liberal if you want to, but please hire a regular workforce. For the love of fruit flies! Contract workers in the State Department!

I guess that's how they save the money they need to bring democracy to Iraq.

I used to dream of going to Scotland some day, or Paris. And I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Canada. When I was living in downtown Detroit, it was easier to shop in Windsor, Canada than at home. And there are no more beautiful cities than Quebec and Toronto. But back in the day when I bought my toothpaste and skivvies in Windsor, all you needed to cross the border was a birth certificate. Pretty soon, just to get to Niagara Falls, you're gonna need that little blue book.

O Canada, I think I'll gaze at your verdant shores from this side of the Detroit River from now on. If underpaid, no-benefits contract workers can plunge their schnozzes into my passport at will, why would I want to travel abroad?

Passport-free I remain,

ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS

6 comments:

THE Michael said...

His most holy Emporor of all he surveys (because he's blind as a bat), THE Michael, hereby declares throughout all the barbaric badlands (that would be "the states") that all are welcome to visit Pendragon Hold WITHOUT a passport. That's right, folks, you can come watch, and even pet, the goats, observe natural flora and fauna that grows in sand, and other touristy things here at the Hold without having to prove who you are and where you came from, as long as you behave. Those who DON'T behave get to meet Walther.

BBS said...

Actually, you shouldn't have to worry. They've approved enhanced drivers licenses for cross border travel. Should be implemented in the next year or so.

BBC said...

I don't have a passport, have no plans on getting one. They have enhanced drivers licenses here now for easy entry into Canada but I've lived 18 miles away from it for ten years and haven't been there.

Well, I've been there a number of times, but that was before this big mess.

I don't like to travel anymore but I have to go to the big city today, I hope I survive monkeyville.

If not, it was nice knowing ya.

Paul said...

Forget the government and all their crazy ways and realize your dream of visiting Scotland. Morespecially the Orkney Islands that are full of wonderful Neolithic sites, bored gods and every imaginable kind of fairy. Or head for the Outer Hebrides visit Calanais and then head South down Bride's isles to discover wonderful landscape and the beauty of the Gaelic language. It will be the inspiration of a lifetime.

With thanks for a great blog that always lifts my spirits.

Anne Johnson said...

Bwwwahhhhh waaaaaah waaaaaahhhhh! I wanna go to Scotland! Quick, somebody lend me a passport! I'll take good care of it.

Mama Kelly said...

I know ... it is frightening. Hubby and I want to one day go to Canada and "across the pond" and now ... well ... it is an much scarier concept to get a passport than it was just a few short days ago