Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we're Pagan and proud and laughin' out loud! Every pantheon should have a deity of revelry. If yours doesn't, you might want to try some comparison shopping.
Do you like football? Bunch a big, strappin males out pummeling each other, trying to shove their way to victory?
Now, remember we're talking about football here and not big business.
I'm sure you've seen some cocky receiver strut into the end zone, drop to a knee, and thank The Big I-Am for the touchdown.
I'd hate to break the receiver's bubble by reminding him that his particular deity of choice is too busy influencing political elections and inspiring terrorists to watch football. Or maybe God is a football fan. Maybe he's a crackshot multi-tasker.
Sometimes if you watch a football game, you'll see guys from each team thanking the same god for their opposing scores. This baffles me. Which guy really gets the celestial boost?
Here's what I propose. We should take a poll of all NFL players. Find out which church they attend. Then put them on teams by church affiliation and let them duke it out in a God Bowl.
I'm not just talking Catholics vs. Protestants here. I'm talking Methodists vs. Baptists vs. Lutherans vs. well, okay, Catholics. Gotta be Catholics in there, for the love of fruit flies. Notre Dame always contends.
So we have a big ol' playoff, and then we get a Super God Bowl, in which the two teams that have bumped off the others (with the help, one presumes of the Almighty) square off to see who God really loves the most.
Your religious players will tell you that they thank the Big Guy after big plays because they want youngsters to see faith at work. What I think youngsters see is that God likes certain teams more than others.
We ought to settle this once and for all. Which denomination deserves God's ovation? Would someone please get on this? Because the way it works now, it's impossible to detect with any certainty a divine hand behind any given touchdown.
Ask yourself. Would The Big Guy like:
The Redskins (Native American Pagans.)
The Vikings (Uh oh. Pagan for sure.)
The Patriots (No way. Establishment Clause and all that.)
The Packers (Say, what is a Packer, anyway?)
Lions, Bengals, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Jaguars, Seahawks (Animals all.)
The Giants (Sounds Pagan, or at least Philistine)
The Titans (Ditto)
That narrows it down a bit. And sorry to tell all you kids out there, but there's only one team, as currently constituted, that your god can support. That would be...
Drum roll ...
The New Orleans Saints.
So, if you see a player point to the sky and say a little prayer after his touchdown, and he's not on the New Orleans Saints, that player could be praying to a bored god. Or even a goddess. Goodness knows goddesses like football. I guess. I've never asked one. Have you?
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS