Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," dispensing wisdom and Pez since 2005! If you're ever in Easton, Pennsylvania, be sure to stop at the Pez Dispenser Museum. It's sublime.
Our official artist, Cy, stopped by the other night with her latest finds. Cy's one of those people who can spend hours in used bookstores and come out laden with the nuttiest literature you've ever seen. Her personal favorite is Clam Plate Orgy,
sort of the Bible of subliminal message research.
This time, among Cy's discoveries was a little volume called Criswell Predicts, published in 1968. I don't remember Criswell, but apparently he was a clairvoyant with enough of a following that he could get a book published. His predictions run from 1968 through the year 2000. So now, with 20-20 hindsight, we can score Criswell's accuracy.
He predicts a war in Alaska between the U.S. and Russia for 1980. He predicts that by 1985, Texas will be split into three states. He predicts cannibalism as part of race riots in Pittsburgh by 1972.
Criswell predicts that New Jersey will be so overpopulated by 1980 that it will be the first state to pass mandatory birth control laws. The first state, mind you. One surmises that places like Kansas will follow suit.
Speaking of Kansas, Criswell predicts that the U.S. capital will move from Washington, DC to Wichita before 2000. Whoa, baby, the Red Staters would luvvvv that, wouldn't they?
What a magnificent seer! Criswell predicts Castro's assassination, right down to the very day: August 9, 1970. By a woman. Apparently no one notified Fidel about this. Or maybe they did and he stayed inside that day, playing poker with the guys.
Cy and I made our way through Criswell Predicts and agreed that his batting average wouldn't get him into a reputable Little League. However, even a piss-poor seer can produce a few nuggets.
Criswell predicts that Atlantic City, New Jersey will be underwater by 1987. I think he got that one right but should have added a century to the date.
Here's the most interesting nugget:
"I predict that a Dallas, Texas Millionaire will shock America and the world by leaving millions upon millions of dollars in his will to set up a true NAZI party in the U.S."
No date on this one. His capital letters, not mine.
Any psychic will tell you that the whole process of divination is like seeing through a glass darkly. Heck, even Harry Potter learns this at Hogwart's. If you parse the prediction above, it has some interesting elements.
Texas. Millionaire. Shocks America and the World. NAZI party.
One could make an argument for this one. The most fascinating element of it is the lack of a date. Criswell must have thought that perhaps this one would happen after 2000.
BAMP! No mandatory birth control in New Jersey.
BAMP! Wichita is not yet the capital of the U.S.
But ... a Texas millionaire shocking America and the world by supporting Fascist philosophy? KA-ZINGGGG!
Anne predicts she'll eat at least one cookie tomorrow. Ka-zingggg.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
Tomorrow or Friday: An interview with a salmon. Be there, or be square!
Artwork by Cy, "Eyeball Vulture."