Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Did Rick Santorum Invent Family Vacations?


Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," your lightning-fast clearinghouse for done-in deities! We're so glad you're here. We're just about to tuck into a few dozen hard shell crabs and some frosty mugs of National Beer.

Just kidding. We're back from vacation now. And badder than ever! Plenty of new topics of interest to the bored gods!

But first: Who the hell invented the concept of a family vacation? It sounds like some sinister plot hatched by Dr. Laura, Dr. Spock (not the Star Trek one), and Rick Santorum.

Every year la famille Johnson ventures abroad to the beautiful Chesapeake Bay, namely St. Michael's, Maryland. We stay at a Bed and Breakfast run by a lady who has six portraits of George W. Bush in her kitchen and a plethora of pamphlets and magazines on Christian living sitting on every available end table. The coffee table is reserved for Sean Hannity tomes. (No sign of Ann Coulter, my hunch is, that little black dress is just too too provocative.)

Hence, blood pressure rises upon perusal of reading material, but is quickly cooled by screened porch catching bay breezes.

Then nighttime comes.

Four light sleepers, two of them world class snorers, shoved into a single room (with kitchenette).

Rick, Rick. How do you do it?

Dr. Laura, I'm the mother of my children, but when they hiss, "Wake up, Mom. I can't sleep" at 4:00 a.m., I can't help but have a Medea moment. It's enough to make you long for those days when nurturing moms dispensed "Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup" to the tots at bedtime (active ingredient, morphine).

So, despite the undeniable beauty of the surroundings, and the plethora of opportunities to worship the Sacred Thunderbird and the Many Deities of the Deep, I have come to the conclusion that "family vacation" is an oxymoron.

Rick Santorum is just a moron. Limbaugh gets the Oxy.

FROM ANNE
PROUDLY THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
AND NOT THE MERLIN OF ST. MICHAELS

(I didn't see Dick Cheney, but I was looking for bald eagles, not evil geniuses.)

4 comments:

RennyBA said...

I'm a big confused - did you had a good vacation - at least you deserved it!
Looking forward to the new topics of interest though:-)

Anne Johnson said...

I had a good vacation. It was fun. More on it in further installments.

buddy don said...

glad yer back. tiz amazin that thays still folks bleevin in the publicans. as fer fambly vacayshuns, we tuck only a few, but they wuz to drive frum california to tennessee, witch tiz hard to say thay wuz vacayshuns in innythang but name.

Raevyn said...

Welcome back, Anne :) I agree, family vacations should be a capital punishment to hardened criminals, as far as I'm concerned. I have three kids and the idea of spending that much time cramped in a single environment for more than a few hours...

*breaks into unexplainable hives*