Wednesday, May 24, 2006
If God Is German, What's All That Ugly Screaming About?
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Eyeball Vulture and I greet you in the name of the Many Gods and Goddesses, Universal!
Have you ever noticed how, after the worst storms, the sun will come out almost immediately? One is tempted to attribute that to Intelligent Design -- the better to see the wreckage of your tornado-ravaged home.
Well, the sun has come out here at Johnson Central after months and months of darkness! A buyer has come forward for Mr. Johnson's plant, and the buyer not only will work with the unions, but he also wants to make improvements! This transaction removes Mr. Johnson's plant from ownership that has to answer to Wall Street's demands -- it's historic, in fact.
We were all so happy here at Chateau Johnson last night that we went on a You Tube binge and danced with the latest batch of foster kittens!
And lest we forget that others are not so lucky, Anne pledges to continue working on behalf of labor unions everywhere. Join "The Gods Are Bored" June 2 when we picket Wal-Mart! Details later.
So! This frees us to return to the fabulous theme of "The Gods Are Bored," namely ... errr ... gods.
About a week ago, a German reader posted a cryptic message in my overflowing Comments bin. It read:
"GOD IS GERMAN."
And, by cracky, when I went to the peerless God-Checker to confirm, indeed their encyclopedic list of pantheons did not include any German deities.
Case closed? God is German? Appears to be true.
(Aw, shucks, I learned the wrong languages. How the heck am I gonna pray now?)
But wait! Hold the phone! Anne dips deep into her memory and unearths a bizarre hillbilly paradox!
Anne's best friends in high school just loved Wagner.
Yeah, and you thought Appalachians were all nose-picking Crackers, huh?
Anne's friends would sucker her into an afternoon get-together, and then gang up and out-vote Anne on the entertainment. It was the Ring Cycle all the way, every last hideously ugly minute of it. You could almost smell the napalm in the morning. And that movie hadn't even come out yet.
So it's God-Checker that comes up short on this one. Our German reader forgets the Valkyries and their sordid yelping as they freight dead warriors to Valhalla.
If heavenly angels sound like that, God would do better to round up a few randy tomcats and heave them into a backyard with a really tall fence.
We at "The Gods Are Bored" therefore do not endorse the notion that God is German. Or that God was ever German. We have it on good authority that God is, in fact, Jewish.
We at "The Gods Are Bored" do not intend to denigrate the Jewish God. It's bad taste and smacks of staining the furniture.
However, where Valkyries are concerned, we strongly advocate beating a hasty retreat to the soothing stylings of Miles Davis. Or even a recording of The Selected Speeches of Calvin Coolidge.
With a song in my heart (anything but Wagner),
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
AREA 14, STAR 14