Good afternoon, and welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If variety is the spice of life, why isn't it the spice of theology? Gods, gods, everywhere, and we all line up to worship just one. How very silly!
Today's topic: Praise and worship teams.
All bored gods long for praise and worship teams. But did you ever wonder where that phrase comes from, "praise and worship teams?"
Anne got it from a mega-churcher.
One day Anne and her Dobson-loving sister were having a rare lunch at a diner near Sis's home in West Virginia. In walks this chatty lady from Sis's church, and you know what that means. Said lady plops herself down at the table and proceeds to monopolize the conversation for an hour.
Fine with Anne, because she and Sis were about to launch into one of those taboo topics, like whether or not gay people go to heaven (Sis) or whether or not God himself qualifies to get into his own heaven (Anne).
Sisterly affection saved by the bell!
So this church lady starts blathering away, and Anne zones out, starts thinking about the Michigan Wolverines and how they can improve their backfield.
Then Sis asks the lady, "How is your nephew, Pastor Bubba, doing at his new church?"
"Oh!" the lady exclaims, beaming with pride. "He's just doing great! You know, he and his wife were really scared to move 40 miles away and start a whole new church. But, God be praised, the best corps of Bubba's praise and worship team moved to his new church! They were willing to drive 40 miles one way to be at Bubba's church!"
"Praise the Lord," Sis said blissfully.
"Pass the potato chips," Anne responded.
But that description, praise and worship team, stuck with Anne. Maybe it was because she'd been pondering the Michigan Wolverines the moment before she heard it.
No, not really. What praise and worship team sounds like to Anne is the Accounting Department at Amalgamated Goat, Inc. "We've got a great team down in Accounting, don't we, Smithers?"
Out in Hollywood they say, "How can we get the people at Warner Brothers on our team?"
Team player, team spirit, teamwork, team teaching, tag teams! You get an image of a lot of people working together to make Bubba's church the best it can be! Running plays! Shooting three-pointers! Hat Tricks!
At that lunch, Anne pondered asking how the folks at Pastor Bubba's former church liked having half their congregation decamp, with a long commute thrown in for good measure.
Sort of seemed to Anne like a case of free agency run amok. Like what would happen if half the Yankees just decided to get on a train, ride south, and play for the Phillies.
"Quick, Clem! The praise and worship team's leaving! How will we pay the heating bill and fix that hole in the steeple?"
Anyway, Anne decided that in this highly competitive, corporate-dominated, get-ahead-at-all-costs world, "praise and worship team" sounds much more timely than, say, "coven," or "circle," or "support group."
So, if you're a team player, look among the bored gods and find a coach you can work with! And you'd better get your lazy butt in shape, because your new god may want you to go that extra mile to his or her established house of worship!
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS