Brunch with Pat Robertson
LAST DAY 1/10/06! Nominate "The Gods Are Bored" for a Bloggie Award! http://2006.bloggies.com
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Working too hard can lead to stress-related illnesses, even for gods. Perhaps that explains the sorry state of monotheism in the modern world. Here's the best alternative: Invite a new god or goddess, or both, or many, into your life today!
Operators are standing by to take your call.
I've been asked to list my five most annoying habits.
1. Stopping car on busy interstate to gawk at buzzards.
2. Talking nonstop about goats for hours.
3. Offering to punch out people who disrespect hillbillies.
4. Wearing clothes that embarrass my middle-school daughter.
5. Okay, okay. I'll admit it. Sheeeesh! How embarrassing! I wear pagan jewelry. Every day. If I lost my Green Man earrings, I'd be devastated.
Are we ready? Okay, folks. We have a special guest today. He's been waiting outside. Let's usher him in! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Pastor Pat Robertson!
Anne: Howdy, Pastor. Can I call you Pat?
Robertson: No. I'm Pastor to you.
Anne: Would you like a mimosa?
Robertson: I have several growing in my yard already.
Anne: Not the tree, the cocktail.
Robertson: You're drinking cocktails? Well then, you deserve the liver problems God will surely send you.
Anne: Actually, Pastor, that's why we invited you here. You've been inveighing about the Wrath of God pretty openly lately, and we want to make sure you mean what you say.
Robertson: If I said it, I meant it. Ever hear me apologize?
Anne: Can't say I have. So you really meant it when you called for the assassination of a dictator our American government doesn't like?
Robertson: Any dictator our government doesn't like. We should fry Saddam ASAP.
Anne: What a thoughtful sentiment. And how about the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania, who are all now walking around quaking in fear about the disaster you promised would befall their city?
Robertson: They rejected Intelligent Design. God's bound to get even.
Anne: Which brings us to our final observation. You said that the prime minister of Israel was felled with a stroke because his statesmanship contradicts warnings in the Bible.
Robertson: What? Speak English, already.
Anne: Sharon's dying of a stroke because he divided Israel.
Anne: Then what exactly did Billy Graham do?
Robertson: Billy Graham? You mean the Reverend Billy Graham?
Anne: That's the one. When we at "The Gods Are Bored" last checked, Reverend Graham was dying painfully and slowly by inches with Parkinson's Disease. Coincidentally, it's the illness that killed Anne's peerless father, slowly and painfully. So what we want to know from you is, what sin did Billy Graham commit to get put on the Parkinson's list?
Robertson: Reverend Graham is without sin. His illnesses must have come from Satan.
Mr. Applegate (offstage): Hey, I resent that! I get them all soon enough. I don't have to rush them along!
Robertson: WHO WAS THAT?
Anne: I didn't hear anything. You must be hallucinating. Anyway, back to topic. So, if God doesn't like what you're doing, He zaps you? Or your whole little town?
Robertson: It's right there, in the Good Book.
Anne: I'm not sure I'd call a manual that supports zapping towns and people a "good book."
Robertson: You'd better watch your saucy mouth. God will get you next.
Anne: Sorry, I'm not on his praise and worship team. But I'm looking at you right now. And I must admit, Pastor Robertson, you're in fine shape for a man your age.
Robertson: Never been sick a day in my life.
Anne: I'm sure of it. And because you speak for God, that's going to continue indefinitely. I mean, indefinitely. You're going to be hale and hearty, with not so much as an ingrown toenail or a case of athlete's foot for longer than any of the rest of us live.
Robertson: Well, I guess I'll die some day. But the Lord God will see to it that I don't suffer. Since I've been such a good Man of God.
Anne: Anyone out there want to make book on that?
Mr. Applegate (offstage): Not me!
Robertson: THERE IT IS AGAIN! That fluffy bunny over there is talking!
Anne: There, there, Pastor Robertson. I think you're suffering from burnout. Why don't you take a long vacation? Because frankly, nimrods like you make thinking Americans everywhere look bad.
Robertson: I won't stand here and take this from a weird woman and a fluffy bunny! Both of you can go to hell!
Mr. Applegate (offstage): Consider it done. See you soon, Pat!
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS