Friday, December 23, 2005
Jolly Old Elf
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Have you forgotten to write your Santa letter? You have one more day! Here's mine:
Dear Santa Claus,
I have been very good this year. Well, actually I've been somewhat good. To be very frank, I enjoy being bad now and then. Not in a way that hurts anyone, but in a way that supports the people who grow and manufacture alcoholic beverages. So that counts as good, right?
Okay. Except for occasional over-indulgences in the fermented juice, I've been decent.
Would you please remit the following items:
1. Continued employment for spouse.
2.Continued adequate performance of old putt-putt Ford.
3. More buzzards for my neighborhood. I hardly ever see one around here. I shouldn't have to drive 175 miles to see a buzzard.
4. Please bring more movies based on nineteenth century novels. It's high time for another remake of Wuthering Heights.
5. Please inspire Carl Hiaasen to write another novel featuring the character Skink. I swear I roll on the floor over that guy.
6. Renew The Brini Maxwell Show for a third season.
7. Send Heath Ledger to shovel me out from the next snowstorm.
8. The Fighting Wombat costume is falling apart. Can you give me a new one?
9. A better season for the Michigan Wolverines next fall. You have months and months to prepare for this one, so I expect results!
10. Last but not least, there's yappy dog living in the house that used to belong to the Monkey Man's family. The house borders my yard. Would you please combine my wish for peace and quiet with #3, above?
As always, I will leave virulently spiked egg nog under the tree for you. I understand that last year the entire state of Pennsylvania failed to get presents after you came to my house.
THANKS SO MUCH, SANTA. YOU ROCK.
THE LITTLE ANGEL OF BERKELEY SPRINGS