Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If you're a first-timer, we are all about polytheism, politics, and ... goats.
Today it's politics. No doubt most of you faithful readers out there heard William "Drug Czar" Bennett's comment that the best way to cut down on crime would be to abort every African American baby.
He's tried to backpedal, of course. But hey, you Rastas out there, you KNOW that's the way Republicans think, dontcha, mon?
The god Haille Selassie (sp?) is so ticked off he's going to see to it that Bennett's great-grandchild marries outside the Master Race.
For the rest of us, however, I've put together this little quiz. If you answer YES to any of the following questions, grab your knitting needles, find a back alley, and abort yourself. Because you are a criminal, and you need to be dead to cut down on the crime rate.
THE BILL BENNETT SURVIVAL TEST FOR MODERN AMERICA
TEST AIM: To reduce the crime rate.
Honestly answer the following questions either "Yes" or "No."
1. Are you African American?
2. Are you a half, a quarter, an eighth, or a sixteenth African American?
3. Are you Hispanic?
4. Are you a half, a quarter, an eighth, or a sixteenth Hispanic?
5. Do you have a Hispanic surname, even though your family has been here since 1776?
6. Have you ever bought passage on a Greyhound bus?
7. Have you ever spent even one night in a mobile home? (This does not include high-end recreational RVs).
8. Do you shop at flea markets?
9. Do you have a tattoo?
10. Are you a good dancer?
12. Are you now, or have you ever been, a practicing homosexual?
13. Do you now, or have you ever, smoked marijuana?
14. Do you now, or have you ever, forgotten to pay a parking ticket?
15. Have you ever demonstrated against your government?
16. Do you strongly disagree with the 1973 Supreme Court decision, Roe v. Wade?
17. Do you live in any of the following states: New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Illinois, California, Oregon, Washington, Louisiana, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee?
18. Have you ever voted for a Democratic candidate, in any election including local mayoral or county commissioner races?
19. Is your median income less than $120,000 per annum?
20. Do you think Ronald Reagan and his Republican successors are the worst presidents since Warren G. Harding?
IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY AND REDUCE THE CRIME RATE.
Where are my knitting needles?
THE (DECEASED) MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS