Saturday, June 25, 2005

INQUISITIONS R US

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," fairy-approved since 2004!

We did a little research on BlogSpot and found that this humble site is the only blog in this host where you can turn for handy answers on The Inquisition.

So, who cares anyway about The Inquisition? Hasn't that been gone a long, long time?

Judge for yourself.

FAST FACTS ABOUT THE INQUISITION

* Victims were arrested, often with entire family, suddenly and without warning.

*Victims were imprisoned without being charged with a crime and were not allowed access to a lawyer.

*Victims were presumed guilty and were tortured to "confess" their guilt. The tortures could be physical, sexual, psychological. They could be conducted on family members as other family members watched.

*The tortures produced two outcomes: Either the victim died or "confessed."

*Victims were encouraged to name other "criminals" who might also be "guilty" of the same "crimes" or "sins."

*After confessing under torture, the victim was not allowed to recant the confession for any reason. Recanting confessions led to immediate death, usually by being burnt alive.

*Victims could be held in prison for unlimited amounts of time, with no recourse to legal help at any time.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" recognize that this sort of detainment and punishment never happens anymore, anywhere in the world. A period of Enlightenment, beginning in the early 18th century and culminating in such documents as our own U.S. Constitution, put an end to the insidious workings of The Inquisition.

If you believe that, we have several lovely bridges for sale -- shall we send you a brochure?

Well, then. We at "The Gods Are Bored" can proudly point to the fact that, as Americans, we believe in freedom and would never conduct our nation's affairs using such antiquated and draconian tools.

If you believe that, we have several sure-fire ways of predicting lottery numbers that hit -- shall we send you a brochure?

Well, then. At least the Holy Catholic Church would never again resort to such measures to root out heretics and strengthen the faith.

If you believe that, we here at "The Gods Are Bored" have formulated a tiny pill that tastes like a Sugar Baby, and if you eat one every day you'll lose 50 pounds in 12 weeks -- shall we send you a brochure?

If you read history, you see The Inquisition around every corner, just re-labeled with pretty new brand names to fit the times.

PRETTY NEW BRAND NAMES FOR THE INQUISITION

*The Final Solution (Hitler, 1930s)
*The Purge (Stalin, 1940s)
*The House Un-American Activities Committee (McCarthy, 1950s)
*The Patriot Act (Bush, 2000s)
*The War on Terror (Bush, 2000s)

HOW TO AVOID BECOMING A VICTIM OF THE INQUISITION

*Sorry. Like bird flu, the Inquisition casts a wide net. You could be next.

WHAT TO DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU

*Cooperate and understand that you have no chance of survival.

WHAT ABOUT AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL? THE ACLU?

*If you're a dues-paying member of either of those entities, you'd better go back and read this whole post a second time.

WHY DO PEOPLE DO SUCH THINGS TO OTHER PEOPLE?

*Because there are too many of us crowded onto a very small rock, and it's an effective way of decreasing the surplus population. Kind of like bird flu, but much more selective.

UM, I JUST REMEMBERED THERE'S A SATURDAY SERVICE AT THE MEGA-CHURCH. I'D BETTER GO. I'LL LISTEN TO BILL O'REILLY ON THE WAY.

*We understand.

From Anne
A lovely, kindly, law-abiding, tax-paying D.A.R. member who tithes regularly to the United Methodist Church

1 Comments:

At June 29, 2005 , Blogger Athana said...

Anne, I come visit you for the same reason I won't ever miss a Jon Stewart show -- I can listen to you tell the daily news, and I leave laughing instead of crying. Thnx!

 

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